Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140607-1100a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Rob D__ and B__ A__.

Rhod Gilbert, live on BBC Radio Wales from my kitchen in London with two things. One is with / lovely / and the other is / honking cold / just got / the end of that sentence / deep breath / honking cold, so far / You __ what? / a__ / God bless you. / Thank you. And, uh, ... what's something else / you know / vitamine C / fizz bomb__ in / glass / three cups of coffee / still feel terrible / you look all right / Yeah, well. / I feel absolutely dreadful / came home / to me" I said / Yeah, I'm quite concerned 'cause / you've touched me. That's my primary concern / I touched you, / yeah / normally, when / over the moon. / Yeah, yeah. / So, we need your help, listeners. I've just got nothing in the tank, mate. / Oh, don't worry. Here I am. Uh / what / got / So, um, uh ... / it's better be good / something juicy. / go on, s__ it to __. / let them have it. Let them have it / here comes / OK. Uh ... / it's gonna be a great show. / Yeah. Here it comes. / Here it comes, listeners. Stand back. Stand back, listeners / this is the big one / gonna bring it, ladies and gents. ... I'd duck if I was you. ... Normally, / light-hearted / through the papers / much / light-hearted / Rhod's Coffee Morning / we __ take it easy / Yeah. / you know / I'm ill, you've clearly got nothing. / just wait for a second / any second / any second, ladies and gentlemen / again / seriously / tell you / thank god / Welsh comedian / friend / show / someone / me / I / at all / we / p__ them on, p__ them off. We / I can do that, you slightly misunderstood me there / all right / get away with it / Yeah, exactly. You can ... / I don't really / people shout from cars / was / I had / here it comes, ladies and gentlemen / I have story. This is the one. This is the / anecdotes / the other way / I was walking down / he's bringing it. / and my, uh, toothbrush and toothpaste were peeping out from my backpocket. / Uh, you left the hotel in a rush? / Well / brush my teeth at the gig / I needed to freshen / you don't need to explain why you clean your teeth / Uh, ... but I do love / not these days / what are you doing? / you're in / right / so, let's rewind / Yeah yeah, 'cause this story ... don't worry, these interruptions were not / music is running out / what a great story, ladies and gentlemen, / someone b__ at me from a car / lovely white teeth / best __s I've ever had / you've got lovely white teeth / kind of give me a hard time / my pocket / took it / face value / quite happy with that. / I'd be very happy with that. / Yeah. / Did they ... were they driving / towards you or did they pass you / from behind? / it was an incredible coincidence. ... __ surreal

Is this i__? You'll tell me. / I will. / last week / Eggzy in Swan__ / I did something called Jacket Quiz, which was / in the back of the newspaper, it says "The world's most famous jacket / special offer on it / right / back / package / the world's most famous jacket / yeah / and I played a game called Jacket Quiz / there's only one question / yeah / only one answer / Eggzy had to guess what / famous jacket in the world. He couldn't do it. Is it i__ __ __ the same quiz / the following week / same one question / did you ... did you reveal the answer / yes, I did / as a c__ of / it's much of a quiz. / you ... oh, you __ __ quiz champion / yeah, yeah, I / tell us about your quizzing / actually this is quite exciting because, uh, well, back in the / last time I / without getting any questions wrong. But the other day ... / you're gonna ... you're gonna w__ through Jacket Quiz / one question, one answer / yeah, that's / about jacket quiz / is the answer "potato"? / No. Eggzy tried that. / I'm gonna put you up against ... head to head with __ __ / jacket quiz / great / later / not / I've also got, uh ... / you can play later with B__ / is it as Jacket Quiz? / new game that you can play later / is it as good as jacket quiz? / some people / prefer Play Your Price Right. / I bet B__ / have James Bond question for me / he did last time / OK / look forward to that

Now, on a third microphone / door bell / B__ A__ is here / Hello, kids / morning / what nice greeting. Now then, uh, before I ask you how you are, / Huh, / before I say hello / Rob D__ said earlier / go on / every time / sees you / exactly what I do. / Yeah, he does do that. / coming here today, I was thinking of one / yet / can I just, uh, rewind a little and ask / this strange habit / started / why / I don't know / become quite competitive over it / you know / also / generational things / we're both locked in __ education / James / yes, quite right. I'm going through all the films with my son at the moment / in chronological order / Huh. So, you __ be starting with Dr. N_? / Um ... well, I say / in order, but, for some reason / all the rest are in order, but, for some reason, / why did you / anything I know, by the way / only fact I know / what year was that? / no idea. / quite / ask me three questions about James Bond / Um ... what's his real name? / Sean Connely. / Very good. / Uh ... what's his PIN number? / 007. / Yeah. / I know this / 007 / It's really easy / bank account / wiped out / four numbers. Even ... surely James Bond / know that / surely / gives / gadgets / Q for q__ master / Q for q__ master / surely / banker's card / you know / a bit of paper / send you / PIN number in a week's time / it was / only needed three __ back then / of course I'm making it up / cash points in 19_2 / no / didn't / I'm obsessed with this now / PIN / joke / no, no / annoyed / no / better / joke / you, you ... you looked around as if you'__ done something naughty / me not to / you looked around as if ... because / so ingrained / in this / got / have revealed somebody's PIN number on air / moment / luckily / don't know who / somebody called James Bond / apparently / 1.8 million to 1 / better / moving car / you've got lovely white teeth / then / toothbrush poking out of your back pocket / right / that reference / listeners are going / if your PIN number out there is __47, / tell us your name / the worst thing / driving along / have to change your PIN now, aren't you? Now / it's own fault / do is / just / hit the EJECT SEAT / your car. Uh ... if you / group of friends / something like that, just sit quietly / even / show / way / I don't know / little twitch / 5149 / that's good advice, but already someone / somebody is changing their PIN number / as we speak. ... Now then / light-hearted g___ through the newspaper / this morning / how are you, / B__? / A__ / no / funnily enough / corporate thing / identity theft / talking about / you did a show / identity theft / talking about / PIN numbers / why / someone else's? / Both. / booked a wrong person / James Bond / I had mine stolen / years and years ago / lost everything / literally / homeless and pennyless, and had to / wow wow wow, wait a minute. You / then who's 'we'? / my wife and I. And, ... it's a long story, but, uh, it took me year and a half to clear my name ... / point / to clear my name / I was buying a house, and / hang on / you've got, um, incredible debts / I thought / very much, but / wringing up debts in name / for the previous two years. I knew nothing about it, I owed / loads of companies / and ... / how did you owe? / how much / this person / your identity w__ up in debt? / problem was, / my name, which / I couldn't get a loan / I couldn't even join my local gym / n't accept / debit / he must have been g__ed about that / it explains this. Um ... and ... / hundreds of thousands that / hundreds of thousands? / different companies. And, uh ... uh, yeah, / literally lost everything we had / like what? What did you lose? / house / we couldn't rent any / money to rent anywhere, uh, I / every / trying to clear my name, and ended up / my parents / in Wales, and uh ... yeah, it was all devastating. Then, years later / how / what's the, uh ... / never seen my show / of cause I've seen your show / lot of / show / identity. Very good. / yeah. He does a great show about ... about you / person who stole it / very / was meant / long story / was to do with / redirection that was meant / to previous address / started little tiny account / my name / built up from that / tiny little / little / previous address / all it was / the fact that it was me. The most bizarre thing was, when it first happened / police / reported / the whole story, at the end of which / your name, how do I know it's not really you / carried out this crime / you are quite right / if I hadn't called you / you could have been bluffing / no / knew / could have been bluffing / report yourself / how fascinating / Home Secretary, got arrested / jail. / that's the important thing? / yeah yeah. That's what matters. / yeah. so, um, I did that. It's on my website / come / your shows. You are much more interesting than I thought.

This is Rhod Gilbert / live on BBC Radio Wales / Rob D__, and now / is it / just / identity stolen, and / I sort of knew that 'cause / I remember you said / sort / I wish I could have / Yeah. / always shred / exciting / your identity stolen / as well? / Yeah. It happens / no, no / much better than mine / just / laptop arrived in my front door, and I / I didn't know / someone / buying things on my account. And then the banks / did / back the laptop / yeah / I thought you were gonna say ... / seven laptops / bought / on my account / laptop arrived / took it in, plugged in / said / handed back to them / hang on a minute, what have I done / fallen / that scam / great scam / now then, uh, a light-hearted g__ through the newspapers / supposed to be, ladies and gentlemen / 3 minutes / to go through the week's news / one-man, uh, one-man play thing / American civil rights lawer / interesting / Kevin S__ / this is a c___ / Kevin S__ on stage at the __ __, right, playing a character, one-man play / American civil rights lawyer, somebody in the audience / mobile phone goes off / first night as well? / ironic, __, innit? What would you do? / Well / apparently. / stayed in character / and I thought, / we could do a feature called "Most Embarrassing Moment" or something you regret / mobile / in the middle of a one-man play about C__ D__ / American civil rights / on the show, would it? / was / I did / someone / got / surely / gig I did recently / B__ / she said / "Why / talk at the show / I can talk / watching television. / Brilliant. / she kind of got a point, I think. / twisted / wrong one / anyway / should / most embarrassing moment / biggest regret / gone off / one-man play / apparently staying in character / dealt with it / person wasn't embarassed / because, obviously, you know, / bad person / somebody / my phone's gone off / all thte attention / leave / in fact, only five minutes ago, I / checked / phone off / sat / table / show / gone off before / doesn't / bad person, Rob / do your play / or is he / B__ A__ / Go on, B__, what / devil of a / I think / should do / most embarrassing moment / most embarrasing moment / text / in / phone gone off / in a one man play / all right. Scrap it. / scrap that feature. ... I'm not joking. ... Scrap it. / forget it. / supposed to be a light-hearted g__ through the papers / it's all turned nasty. ... England / non-story I couldn't have / this is the first line of / story / keep / page / you've been looking / a lot / I haven't I am a, uh ... I am a supporter of the normal page 3 / on it / the problem. / trying to get / that hasn't / obviously know / people / take it out / no more / I support that ... except / I don't mind / page 3 / from two straight to four / yeah / that / numerically prejudiced. / no odd numbers / looking / no eleven, thanks. / England's players ... I just don't like prime numbers. that's what it is / this is the first line / allowed to enjoy ketchup during the world cup / hard to read on after that, innit? / ketchup / world cup / wow / such a / does make / age of five / emotional age / I want ketchup / I play Brazil tomorrow.

"Hi Rhod," says, uh, somebody. Who is this? I don't know. ... Oh, Matt in Cardiff / my PIN number / listeners / ask them not to steal it." says / Cardiff / PIN number / 5147 / and we thought / they might give a little __, / little ... little / reaction / I hope hasn't, uh, happened / some other James Bond question / me / anything you like / what was the first Roger Moor's James Bond film? / you did it / I think / you ... such geeks, you two / look at you, two of you, sat there / two / waiting for / next James Bond bit / ask / question / I suppose I don't need to know the answer. Uh ... who's T__ D__? / this one / how tall is P__ B__ when he played James Bond / is he? / you made that up / look / up / you agreed / yeah / just in case he ... just in case he didn't make it up / such a quiz geek / didn't / wrong / I have no idea / now then, B__, did you make it up? / Yes. / Oh dear / like a united front / Rob / loser. ... Now then. Right. Jacket Quiz. I think it's time ... 'cause people are looking forward to it. / Phill Colins / got in touch / this quize wasn't required / oh, no. / no-jacket-required joke / producer's just / actually / enormous / 6.125 meters / He's coming. Everybody, hide. / he's like the opposite of Tom C__. You know, ... You know, in Tom C__ films / they, sort of, apparently / smaller actors around him so he doesn't look / furniture / everything looks normal, whereas / actually / something / child's play pen / much farther away than everyone else / much farther away / in the film / at least / over seven feet tall / that is a little known ... / she was also great in a Star Wars film / I do remember that. Uh ... OK. "Hi, Rhod" says Becky / we've been looking forward / excitment / in preparation for the dizzy heights of painting later on." OK. / it / being sarcastic about being a boring job / letter / I think there are both / 'cause people do / people / we shouldn't / laughing matter / no / so far" says / disappointing us / looking forward to jacket quiz again. / unfortunately, the problem with the Jacket Quiz / knows the answer / what? / one question / anybody listening last week / No. / I'm sort of relying on nobody listening last week / Right. Well, you've got us. / jacket quiz / build it up / not / I have no preference, either way. / Come on / said / looking forward / looking forward / again / I can't help / looking forward to / twice / All right. Jacket Quiz. / ready / here it comes / quiz thing / listeners. Don't worry / "Dear Rhod, I am so pleased / discontinuation of Chimp Quiz / which was clearly the least entertaining feature in the history of your show. Imagine my constanation__ / at the announcement of the new Goat Quiz / my day." That's from Christopher__ / in Arizona in USA / about prospect of Jacket Quiz for a second week running / goat quiz / different questions, different answers / each week, uh, same with Chimp Quiz / jacket / only imagine / Mr. S__. OK. Here it is. Jacket Quiz / in the back of a newspaper / this one is the Daily M__ ... uh, from last week / could be any week / topical / non-topical jacket quiz / All right / could / any / in the back, it says "The world's most famous jacket / 20 pounds / one guess each / hit a track. / Is it a type of jacket / I'm looking for / type of jacket / I've got my answer. / Go on. / keep it to yourself / what / H__. / You were listening last week! You ... / listened to the podcast / never / nothing / answer / don't bother / I can't believe / turned up / never heard of the quiz / I'm good at q__s / nobody is that good / jacket quiz / nobody is that good / genuinely / of course it's the right answer / track

back / Sao P__, Brazil / any of your show in that time / just / missed / amazing features / much / John / I could certainly, uh, / unnecessarily reassure / show / I can't think of anything / Nothing. Nothing at all. / except / was / jacket / but apart from that / you may / joined / cheated in Jacket Quiz / so un-sportsman-like / ungraceful of you not to accept / nobody ... nobody could have got that / I got it / back / advert for what the ... / world's most famous jacket / It's apparently / Rob D__ / guessed it correctly, and / both / we know that you cheated / I never cheat / I literally never cheat / actually / I didn't / back of Daily M__ / some of / features were fictional. So, it's probably / real life / no

a thief grabbed / hundred sixty pound / in N__, South Wales. ... Well / up his T-shirt / how much was it? / hundred sixty pounds / you should / I generally thought / obviously meant / pounds of t__ / T-shirt, is it? / No. / was / that's the key thing here / only t__ / where is it / somewhere / wait, wait, wow wow wow / got / away / hybernating, perhaps / lost it / it went / and went 300 miles / about to be, you know, m__ed up / obviously / they saved it minutes from ... that was like / story III / seen / t__ story / yeah / but / that / no excuse / really / say something / way / spelt / means / say, you know / excuse me / nasty "cough". See what I mean / look, ... / says / p__ vital information more efficiently than Google. Do you know that? / yes / famous / come back / made / Google / but not as fast / accessible / isn't it? / Swansea next Saturday, if you / I'm not / lovely today because / birthday / died / goes all sciency / never do that / don't / anything special / birthday / talking about / by the way / princess M__ / I don't know anything about the __yal family / realize / my / to me / "Shouldn't our children know about / school quiz / went / Spanish / amazed that I / should know / our loyal family / tell / advocated / yeah / suddenly / tell her that. I'll tell you / though / well / is / queen's lookalike / one / Naked Gun / naked / 42 years. 42 years, she has impersonated the Queen / says / glittering career of looking like the queen / huh huh / slight problem / didn't actually look like the queen / one little job / I have to say that maybe / there was / face off / queen / she wins / how do you know she doesn't look like the queen / maybe you've got a wrong one / only / this one would / never / says / what's the name? / can you retire from looking like someone / stop looking like / for example / then you go without it, / job finished / story isn't / beard / after 42 years / can you stop looking like someone / retire / like that ... like that intellectual sort of, you know / in __ forest / did she really look like the queen?

If you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show, / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.